69 Ways to Bother Idiot Apprentice
by Orange-Moon-Goddess
Summary: "That is the worst story idea ever," Allen complained. "The worst idea ever," he repeated and then added, "Of all time." And then Cross hit Allen on the head and put him back in his cage. WARNING: Rated M for swearing, violence, and minor sexual innuendos revolving around Allen's "loss of Innocence" after he nearly died for the umpteenth time in the series. Otherwise, have fun.
1. Chapter 1

NEW STORY, HELL YEAH!

Rated M for immature.

._.

Reason #1: This Story Itself

._.

Cross Marian was glad that the author had finally decided to man-up and write an M-Rated parody. He was excited that he was going to be the center of attention, and with the knowledge that the story was rated M, Cross was going to use it to his complete advantage. This was the all-out. There was no holding back; not for anyone or anything. He planned on drinking, gambling, and all other things that would probably result in the author getting kicked off the site.

When he heard the news, he had started straight away. He made a list of what he wanted to do, and it looked something like this:

-Drink like no tomorrow

-Gamble everything away, including Allen

-Smoke EVERYTHING possible, even pot if nothing else is around.

-Get bitches

-Lay bitches

-Do expensive shit that Allen will pay for

-Kill all of his loved ones so he focuses only on me

-Snore when I sleep

And so on. Cross was actually rather proud of himself for getting that far. Usually he was so lazy that he wouldn't even get past the first idea, but he had been excited about letting loose that he decided to put effort into this new job of his (for once). Maybe if he worked hard then he would get a promotion, because he really f*cking deserved one! He was Cross. F*cking. Marian. He should be appointed president of the world, damn it. Too bad no one knew how to recognize his greatness. Allen did, at least, Cross thought when the little idiot knocked on his door.

"Master?" the brat called out. Just to piss Allen off, Cross grabbed his false wine bottle from under the bed and then got his wine glass. He moved his cranberry juice from his plastic cup to the wine bottle, then put a chocolate cigarette in his mouth. Next he lit an incense that smelled similar to smoke, coughed and then put it out when he decided it was enough.

Before he allowed Allen in, Cross untied his hair to make him look extra badass. He also unbuttoned the top three buttons of his shirt and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Come in!" he shouted, and the door opened to reveal idiot apprentice.

Allen wrinkled his nose at the smell, but ignored it to bring in his master's meal. Cross's internal thoughts went somewhere along the lines of "f*ck yeah, Allen made food for me!" but he played it off like he didn't care. Because while he certainly appreciated Allen doing this all for him, he didn't want Allen to get attached to him because Cross didn't like having a family.

_Doesn't mean I'm not lonely, though, _Cross thought to himself. His mood soured but lifted when Allen put the tray in front of him. Allen was about to leave, but Cross stopped him. He was pretty sure the brat would want to know about the horrors he was soon to be put through.

"There's a new story," Cross informed Allen, who stopped in place to turn to listen. "It's called '_69 Ways to Bother Idiot Apprentice.'_"

Cross blinked and suddenly Allen was gone, and there was also a voice screaming from outside. Cross leaned backwards to look out the window, and saw the idiot running down the streets to get away. Knowing that would later be taken care of in '_101 Failed Attempts at Escaping From Cross Marian_,' the general fixed his hair and straightened himself out, then got out of his chair to let the smell out of the apartment. He got some Febreze to speed up the odor removal, and sprayed what little was left of the bottle.

He finished his cranberry juice while smirking to himself, and put the false wine bottle under his bed. The chocolate cigarette was broken into pieces after Cross removed the wrapper. He'd give it to Allen later since the kid would eat anything.

With his scumbag facade over for the day, Cross settled back down at his desk to finish writing his monthly letters to the Black Order. He was sure they wouldn't be read anyways, but he was still obligated to send in reports in case Komui ever got to them. Since he liked to talk about his apprentice (but refused to let Allen know about it), Cross filled every line on the paper with info about his pupil and ended it with "-_And if I hear that your little sister touched my idiot Allen and got him pregnant, I will not hesitate to send Timcanpy to kill you all on my behalf_."

Satisfied, Cross folded the letter and put it in an envelope.

He was serious about that last part, though.

No, seriously.

He would, like, even go over there himself and kill everyone if they even dared to so much as go near by his apprentice. Who said he couldn't be an overprotective guardian? He swore, if anyone said that then he would find them and set them on fire. Unless it was Allen, in which case he would laugh and then tell the kid he was stupid. Then he would feel bad later on and try to make it up by killing whatever friends he had at the moment so they could focus on their family moment.

Cross leaned back in his chair and smiled at the thought of a family moment. Readers seemed to love that stuff.

_I guess it's time to go find Allen and make him feel like shit, then._

._.

Woooh new story :D

Look forward to more violence and sexual innuendos ^^


	2. Chapter 2

69 Ways #2- Flirt With Everyone

._.

"Hey there babe, how's it goin'?" Cross Marian wagged his eyebrows at some random girl as his apprentice turned the corner while carrying their groceries. He'd planned this ahead of time and had used Tim to find the route Allen always took, then he had started to flirt with any good-looking woman he saw. Allen acknowledged Cross, but went on with his day and didn't even seem bothered by the fact his master was being a floozy out in public. Allen passed by and Cross swore. The girl tried to talk back to start a conversation, but Cross wasn't going to bother with her anymore since he hadn't wanted to even flirt in the first place.

The only reason he flirted was to a) Find out what the feminists were planning, b) Recruit members for his secret mini-skirt army, and c) to impress Allen whenever he walked by. The last reason was pathetic since he could do some heavy weight-lifting and then Allen would think he was superman or some shit. But no, he wanted Allen to think he was super popular so of course he'd had to go with that. In fact, Cross didn't know why he was trying so hard to impress the idiot; it wasn't like Allen would respect him for being a man-ho.

As he followed Allen and took a shortcut to get ahead of him, Cross considered that maybe he did it because he wanted his apprentice to have a "cool" master. Cross sort of wanted Allen to have someone to brag about and say "wow, your life was lame!" to other people when he compared his with theirs. Cross kept this in mind as he sauntered back out into the streets. He looked both sides to search for Allen, and spotted him at a booth at the market. Since his vision was poor, Cross took out his binoculars to get a better view.

When he focused on his apprentice, the boy suddenly turned to look straight at him.

"Master, what are you doing?" the young boy asked curiously and stepped forward to lower the binoculars. "I think you're holding it wrong."

_Oh shit, didn't realize he was so close!_ Cross momentarily panicked but easily regained composure to lie smoothly to the idiot.

"I was looking for women," he explained in a matter-of-fact tone.

Allen was not impressed.

"Master," he frowned here as he addressed the older man, "you're such a floozy! Besides, you were looking at me for a long time. I'm not a woman."

"I know that!" Cross exclaimed. "The lenses were a little cloudy, that's all."

Clearly Allen didn't believe Cross, because he rolled his eyes and turned back to the stall to check out the goods they had displayed. Cross caught Allen checking out the fruits, and immediately decided that he didn't like that. Allen was too young to look at bananas and melons! To shield Allen's eyes, Cross shouted "sniper!" and tackled the boy to the ground. Civilians began to scream in terror and ducked for cover, while beneath Cross, Allen was very annoyed. He was looking at the fallen grocery bag but Cross fixed that soon enough.

"Allen, are you okay?" Cross forced his apprentice to look at him. "Did you get hit?"

"But master, I didn't hear any shots," Allen pointed out the flaw in Cross's "plan" but Cross fixed that by using Judgement to shoot down a hooker.

"Yeah there was," Cross corrected his apprentice. "Come on, we should get the hell out of here. Human affairs aren't our problems. We're only here for the akuma."

Allen had to be difficult, however.

"What if that was an akuma though?" he asked worriedly. Cross got off of his apprentice and allowed him to collect the spilled groceries (thankfully boxed goods) and then picked him up when he was done. Allen protested against this, but Cross told him he was only using him as a shield against any assassins when he could have just said he actually wanted his attention.

_God I'm desperate,_ Cross thought when Allen agreed to be a bullet shield. _I bet that if I asked for a hug, though, that he would say no._

Seeing as how Allen couldn't run away like this, Cross flirted with every woman he saw on the way back to their hotel. Allen was forced to wait while his master played town skank, blatantly annoyed with the man's behavior. Cross wasn't happy with this. Why the hell wasn't Allen impressed?

_Looks like it's time for plan "B,"_ Cross thought when he completely lost Allen's attention.

If he couldn't get Allen's attention by impressing him, then he would just have to annoy the hell out of the kid, much like how a guy will bully a girl in middle school to get her attention. Cross knew a couple ways to do that.

One could say he was an expert at pissing others off, actually.

When they reached their hotel, Cross started by flirting with anything Allen looked at. Including the fish in the fancy little pond, the plant, fuck, even the damn floor._ The things I do for this kid,_ Cross thought as he told the floor how much he thought its blue carpet complemented the room rather nicely. Allen turned his head to watch a group of gay men (pink shirts and shorty-shorts and all) walk through the doors to enter the building. And then he thought:

_God damn it._

Being a man of his word, Cross started in their direction and inwardly screamed like a terrified little girl. He wondered whether or not Allen was even worth the trouble, but looked at the kid and decided that _yes,_ yes he was.

._.

Yes, I know "floozy" is generally used for women. In my defense, Cross (if you've read my other series) has trouble telling apart the men from the women and just thinks that everyone is a "woman." Including himself. So why not?

*Gets shot by Cross*


	3. Chapter 3

69 Ways #3 - Doing One Small Thing After Another

Short chapter written during a study hall :)

._.

Cross watched his apprentice turn his head to look at the TV screen, and quickly stole the last few pieces on his plate from him while he was distracted. The show paused for commercial break so Allen returned to his dinner, but saw that there was nothing left. He pouted but silently got up to get a second helping (while Cross was chewing on his food). Then Cross opened the recordings menu and began to delete Allen's favorite shows from the list. Since he knew it would take Allen a while to return, Cross took the liberty of putting parental lock on said shows. He snickered and quickly closed the menu when Allen reentered their family room with his second serving.

Just before Allen could sit down, Cross put his plate down and spread all over the couch so the kid had nowhere to sit. Allen frowned and sat on the floor while his master snorted in amusement. Ignoring Cross, Allen reached for the remote to change the channel. Admittedly, Cross had to hold back the laughter when Allen discovered that his favorite show was blocked. The look on the brat's face was one of disbelief, anger, and finally settled for annoyance. He turned to narrow his eyes at his master, who was still hogging the couch.

Cross shrugged and Allen was forced to watch he news since everything else good had been blocked. He swiped more food off of Allen's neglected plate and encouraged Timcanpy to steal some as well.

They continued to do this until there was no more food left to steal from the kid's plate. Seeing as how Allen wouldn't even notice if the plate broke on his head, Cross put his feet up on the idiot's back. It wasn't like Allen would notice (or care/and or protest).

"Wow Allen, aren't you full yet?" Cross pointed to Allen's plate and the idiot apprentice looked down at it.

"I could have sworn that I..." Allen began to say but his voice faltered when his stomach grumbled. "What if I'm sick?" the kid worriedly thought this over and Cross wasn't sure whether he should feel bad or laugh. The look Allen had on his face was priceless; he was on the brink of crying.

The news reporter's current story wasn't helping the situation. "And now for our top story," the man began as he shuffled the papers in front of him. "Ten more people have contracted the flu and have been hospitalized. According to our researchers, the flu originated down south. More on the origin later," the reporter promised.

The other reporter took over the story. "If you have an uncontrollable urge to eat, or if you have severe cramps, you may want to visit your local doctor because those are the common symptoms that have been identified for this outbreak." Allen visibly paled and Cross couldn't believe the timing. This was perfect. Unfortunately, Allen didn't agree because he stood and rushed out of the room, leaving his plate behind. Cross heard as Allen rushed down the hall to the bathroom and slammed the door shut, which was soon followed by vomiting.

Feeling slightly guilty, Cross abandoned his comfy spot on the couch to check on Allen. He wasn't sure if Allen was being dramatic, got sick because he got upset, or if he was actually sick. Cross didn't bother knocking on the door and forcefully opened it instead, hitting Allen in the process and knocking him over. The brat fell to the marble floor but pulled himself back up to continue his puke fest. Cross wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, so he offered Allen a toothbrush and told him to stick it down his throat to make him feel better. When Allen didn't listen to him (too busy supporting himself so he didn't fall in), Cross held him up and tried to put the toothbrush down his throat when he was trying to rest.

Allen's fist threw itself at Cross's face to get him off, but Cross blocked the hit. Clearly Allen didn't want his help, so he let the kid vomit in private.

While he was waiting for Allen to get out of the bathroom, Cross made retching noises that made Allen throw up even more. Then he started to talk about disgusting things, like melons, cherries, bananas, and tacos. He hated tacos, he really did, and he hoped him describing them to Allen would discourage him from eating them. Then he started to babble on about how melons were too big, cherries were to small, bananas were too long, and tacos were too smelly. *

The door creaked on its hinges as Allen exited, looking paler than he did before. Cross put his hand on Allen's forehead but despite the burning, kept it there. He wondered if he could cook an egg like this.

"I'm going to bed," Allen croaked. "Goodnight," he told his master as he shuffled into their shared bedroom.

Cross followed after him and decided to bother him one more time.

Just as Allen settled down in bed, Cross lifted the covers and got in right next to him. He scooted in really close to make him uncomfortable, then pretended to snore in his ear. Allen kept quiet, too tired to protest.

And Cross tried not to laugh as Allen began to cry when he snored even louder.

._.

* Oh my god I'm going to hell for this paragraph.

In my defense, rated M.

I warned you.

(I hope you didn't understand that)


End file.
